Birthday Thoughts

There's always something new and exciting coming up, isn't there? Whether it turns out wonderful or dreadful is anybody's guess.

When you get to a certain age, which is probably different for each of us, if at all, a sense of ennui comes in as fast as you could book your next trip, or buy a puppy, or quit your job, or study for a new career; sooner or later you get to a point where nothing seems to fit, and in that realization, you stop looking for satisfaction externally - in jobs or creations or fitness or groups or politics or books or music; these are all just expressions, choices made daily because what else is there to do?

At this stage, I have a polarizing sense of detached consideration about everything, including myself. Like, who cares? Not in a depressing way either. It's not a distinct feeling or psychological state; it's just an awareness that isn't invested in striving anymore, yet interested in being alive nonetheless. I do stuff and things to fill in time and do what I can, as though in a cosmic waiting room playing with the limited toys lying around... Waiting for what, I don't know.

Last week, I woke up at 3:30 am, made a latte, fed the animals who followed me around til I did so, groaned at the dishes, and sat down at the kitchen table to write whatever... all typical for a Wednesday morning. But, as the planets aligned in the same configuration as the day of my birth, I looked at my astrological chart; which I do periodically because I don't understand it, yet I get new things from it each time. It seems that my very particular need to understand the point-of-it-all is acutely defined out there.

The Sun is in Libra, suggesting an orientation toward harmony, relationships, beauty, fairness and balance. Then, in this iteration of my chart (I don't know the exact time of birth, so I look at charts using different times) there is what's called a Stellium, a concentration of 3+ planets in the same zodiac sign - which in my case is in Virgo. This stellium has the Moon, Pluto, Mercury, and Venus all clustered in the 9th house - The 9th house being about philosophy, spirituality, worldview expansion, and justice... Essentially, It Asks, "What does it all mean?" hahahaahaa! Yeah.

Are we each an expression of a configuration of planets and stars and time? Some say, "bah", others say, "ah-ha!".  It's all the same anyway. Should I not waste my time wondering about these things because there's more important work to be done? What kind of work? Is this really just a randomness we still know nothing about, save some things we end up using to confuse or destroy ourselves? Sounds lame.

I have a kind of teleological agnosticism - a belief of some ultimate purpose or end toward which existence is directed, but I have no idea what that is. Lots of people define life through religions or nihilism or materialism, that's all the same too; Beliefs. Living as though a particular belief is the one true Reality seems short-sighted, even believing in nothing but annihilation at death is still a Belief. And then, those who don't believe in the same way you do are just 'wrong'.  Really? Your way is The Way? That's where all the division comes from.

Is this the end of hope or the beginning of true surrender? 

All I have ever done is make decisions based on my personal awareness and experiences, and sometimes I decide to do the opposite of what I 'think' I should do because my understanding of duality and living paradoxes makes it that way. And, I do not want anyone else to follow anything I say/do with an expectation that it's some way to be - because every awareness/experience is individualized, and so inherently self-directed. Following 'advice' may be fine when I occasionally feel out-of-sorts, and when I actually ask for it, but it's not something I normally do. Oftentimes, I change my mind, because I don't trust it. I feel that my mind is a useful tool, but it's not who I am. It's a tool to practically figure out what to do once I make a choice about something. 

I write these blog posts as journal entries, and because I make them public (though not read by anyone except few who care - Hi!) I am careful with words, which helps like therapy. It doesn't matter to me if anyone else understands my words and choices (it used to matter). Sometimes, I don't even understand my own choices - yet witnessing myself go through it all is infinitely fascinating. What am I doing now?!

For a long time, it would be excruciating to choose between a change in direction or staying the course, my mind and emotions would tug back and forth as though they knew what to do... Other times, impulsivity won in huge measure, then there were times when that same impulse created the most unpleasant results. There have been both logical and illogical decisions, each having been beneficial, not beneficial, or inconsequential, depending on the outcome and my judgement of it. Most outcomes were not expected, because, as John Lennon pointed out perfectly, "life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

So, at long last, from now on, I choose to honour whatever it is I do or don't do, and to hell with whatever judgements arise about it, including my own. No matter what happens, I trust myself far beyond the thoughts and emotions that come and go like an ocean and its tides, or the rising/setting sun/moon, or the swirling skies...