New Becomings

I was running around before Christmas trying to get it all done, going to work each morning at 5am to try to kick-start my day, trying to exercise, trying to keep up our rickety old cabin to Airbnb standards, trying to keep up my own house to my own standards, trying to join causes and aid with my voice, trying to sell a product I love with a method people hate, trying to help my family with their variety of needs, trying to create, trying to relax... try try try... After New Years, I took the cabin off Airbnb, stopped cleaning my house, stopped cooking and baking, stopped exercising, was turned down as a local leader in a political organization, stopped selling the product I love, I started playing a simple video game every day for hours just to stop myself from getting up and doing laundry or dishes. I napped instead of relaxed... and then got sick.  I haven't been sick for about 4 years. We think it was Covid, though with a negative rapid test, I kept to myself and slept for day...

  Well, my latest effort at trying for something that I felt strongly enough about to make an actual effort did not work out. I've decided to drop any effort and rest for at least the winter - but, even that takes effort. And my brain tells me how lucky I am to be able to rest in the first place, so I shouldn't do it because many people don't have that luxury (kind of like "eat all the food on your plate because there are starving children in the world") . My brain also says that resting will come when I'm dead, so why bother now? There's a nag in me that thinks I should continually try to do stuff, create things, make a difference... whatever, nag. My previous efforts at trying for things I felt strongly about were at least cloaked in reasonable outcomes, lessons learned, and no regrets. It's possible that I haven't been trying very hard over the past few years, but I don't think so - I kept it together long enough, and it's not that ...