323 - When things don't work out, do nothing

 Well, my latest effort at trying for something that I felt strongly enough about to make an actual effort did not work out. I've decided to drop any effort and rest for at least the winter - but, even that takes effort. And my brain tells me how lucky I am to be able to rest in the first place, so I shouldn't do it because many people don't have that luxury (kind of like "eat all the food on your plate because there are starving children in the world"). My brain also says that resting will come when I'm dead, so why bother now? There's a nag in me that thinks I should continually try to do stuff, create things, make a difference... whatever, nag.

My previous efforts at trying for things I felt strongly about were at least cloaked in reasonable outcomes, lessons learned, and no regrets. It's possible that I haven't been trying very hard over the past few years, but I don't think so - I kept it together long enough, and it's not that I can't do it anymore, I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm really gonna push the not-trying-hard envelope and see what happens. It's the only thing I haven't tried. 

There's the mom-syndrome that believes things will fall apart if she's not there directing, or even as a buffer. There's the artist-syndrome that believes not creating anything is wasted time, however writing this is some sense of creativity so I'm not just staring out the window at the snow I won't be shovelling. There's the wife-syndrome that believes love is a verb requiring constant action and support, big eye roll here. There's the caretaker-syndrome that believes holding it all together is the only option. There's the adult-syndrome that believes there's no time to play... so many syndromes!

The thing is, I don't feel like playing. I don't feel like creating. I don't feel like making a hygge home. I don't feel like being a chauffeur or a home chef or a chanteuse. What else is there? Nothing. I've slammed into a huge wall of nothing and there's tweety-birds circling overhead as I consider shaking myself out of this funk. Though, shaking smacks of effort so I'm not even doing that.

I suppose this is part of whatever transformation is taking place, or no longer taking place as the case seems to be right now - a long, drawn out emphasis on a silent pause in the symphony of life. How dramatic.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one in this predicament, maybe not in exactly the same way, but we're all tired. Crumple up your to-do list and throw it out. Rest when you can.


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