Take it or Leave it

Many people assume I'm naive at best, stupid at worst..  and that my existence, appearances, and talents are lucky draws, having nothing to do with continually overcoming self-imposed limitations. Many people don't think I deserve what I have, don't deserve to be happy or successful, feeling the need to trigger me into a negative reaction, making them feel superior - because those people also assume that I'm superior to them - Meanwhile, I'm just trying to master mySelf and leave others to master their own processes. 

You may not understand this, but, over my lifetime, people monitor what I do and even mimic my expressions in an attempt to gain access to some kind of perceived circumstantial privilege..? What they don't understand is that it is not about exterior circumstances, it's about who and what I am. I've chosen to hide these understandings until now.

Here is where I am: Standing up in Full Force, looking Life straight in the Eye, and letting It know that I have, in fact, been Aware the whole time - The whispering behind my back, the secret plotting, the fake friendships, and private disdain beneath public praise. I forgive everyone, including myself, but forgiveness does not imply Tolerance.

I’ve had an aversion to being on this Planet because so many people are stuck in bad/erratic moods with little accountability most of the time - This place is rife with petty stuff… it’s annoying to have to constantly be around it. But, I’ve always known that part of my being here is to release the annoyance and stress and false judgment and deceit and angst and fear…Negativity is a useful creature for growth, but most cannot tame those inner beasts. Thankfully, there have been people in my life holding deep respect and integrity in their spaces, I’ve learned a lot from them - most are/were quietly going about their business, avoiding the fray. 

 

So it seems, yes, the veils are lifting; the frameworks and systems that held everything in relative order, yet trapped in ego, are breaking down - it’s much easier for people to sense what’s really going on. It has been exhausting to feel all the conflict and confusion, I tried to ground myself and escape sometimes with the regular substances, but lately, I’ve just been having to rest and sleep as much as possible. There’s still much to do/learn and it doesn’t matter whether or not anyone hears me - I’m foremost writing to clarify things for myself, so I can clear a path forward amongst all the noise. Take it or leave it, doubt or believe it, makes no difference to me.

 

I’m not necessarily a religious or spiritual person, but fascinated by all the metaphysical aspects of life; it’s in these uncharted realms that authenticity and peace can be found - but it isn’t a simple matter to find them. No one really knows anyone, or what they should or shouldn’t do; falsely judging everyone, most harshly themselves. But, when engaging with life honestly and authentically, we come across situations that help us make choices, or even have eureka moments ('downloads' some people call them). People will try to convince you of all sorts of things, but it’s your choice, regardless of how it seems to others. You may also take advice from anywhere else too, if you pay close attention, the answers are everywhere… it's a choice to overcome deep-seated negative emotions by fully embracing them until they transform into Grace… it takes a lot of patience, perhaps lifetimes.

 

My story is everyone’s story - The characters and conditions different, yet still reflecting the same ancient archetypal battles replicated and mirrored in myriad ways. In feeling this truth, I can no longer accept people’s spiritual baggage. I know my intrinsic value and release myself from the energetic burdens of others - It’s the right decision because I can feel a sense of undeniable joy that comes with it. I no longer feel it necessary to cause, change, or end anything; I trust the Process, have faith along the pathway, know Source/God exists, and it’s ‘more real’ than the silly dramas constantly churning out on earth. I’m at this tipping-point because I’m spiritually burnt out. I’ve had it… I’m fed up with having to transmute the energy of others to relieve the space around me, and the constant energetic attacks by haters. It took many years to understand how insidious ‘hidden’ forms of abuse are, especially by people who barged into my world, using me for whatever they thought they could steal - I’ve chosen to acknowledge this ‘out loud’ because that’s how Revision and Transformation works: Allowing internal ideas to flow through to form, walking the talk, so to speak. And, misunderstandings by others have nothing to do with my own understandings - that’s not my business anyway. 

 

I feel compassion for everything, though never at the expense of my truth or peace. I call things out when I see them, whether with my voice or my actions. Every time I’d express this: “I think I’m different from other people, I don’t fit in anywhere.” the response was always, “Ya, everyone feels like that”, so I reluctantly believed it - but it is not true. Most people want to be different, to be special in some way, but would rather cheat than do the hard work.. Yet, those who are truly unique don’t actually want it, they want to blend in, to be left alone, to eke out their existence here without much ado- because deeper understandings can seem delusional. I explain in words or music as best I can, but I’m not obliged to sort it out for others, nor am I interested in why most people don’t get the things that I do. And, those who see my expressions as boasting, egotistical attempts to 'look special’ should probably face their particular smugness in the mirror and figure out their own fates.

 

Betrayal: I've been monumentally betrayed, over and over again, for many years, on many different levels, including betraying myself and the supreme betrayal of ‘God’ in the form strangers who decided to get into my personal business just for the hell of it. People who live without purpose often direct their energy to tearing others down, and it seems that most people don’t have a sense of purpose. I keep being immersed in situations that force me to transmute deep pain- heartaches, gut punches, throbbing head, shaking hands, deep despair, and defying death when life didn’t even matter to me… But, it’s worse to deny the pain, or hold on to it like a lifeline, or bury it, because that causes further events and suffering of self and others - Ignoring or covering it up it may seem like an immediate, however temporary, gratification, but it’s a poor way of trying to get relief from feeling bad; it’s a high interest spiritual credit adding way too much to the karmic debt. I believe(d) betrayal to be a constant theme in all of human existence, along with other forms of emotional manipulation and abuse. I always thought the negativity on earth was unjust, but didn’t know how to handle it in any meaningful way. I don’t know how many times I cried to the sky, “Why do I exist? What am I even doing here?!” and later, even through my joy, a calming sense of looking forward to dying underscored everything I did. I figured there had to be a better way through this manifest existence without hoping to die the whole time … 

 

Religion, Philosophy, Psychology, and New Age spirituality don’t fully cut it because people can’t get past being caught up in their negative emotions and making decisions based off of them, which create more conditions that create more negativity… that dang karmic cycle. Even with all the pointers and hints throughout history, most people don’t realize that transmuting negativity is the key… The key to what? Deep and lasting Peace, Easy Joy, and Good Luck. These last number of years have been the most odious - a confluence of rotten situations, physical and metaphysical challenges heaped upon me - I was alone while surrounded by a bunch of people. Not only were the few I expected to be there for me not there - they kicked me while I was down. I was psychically enclosed by people who didn’t actually care about me- not because they’re bad people, but because they are/were locked inside their own unhealed traumas and emotions, imprisoned by their own demons. Such is the state of most people in this world. 

 

At times, when I felt a nagging despair, I'd find my role about it, and left the situations or ideas behind - then, an overwhelming gratitude - only to come across the same types of things again … Now, in my 55th year here, I realize that this last behemoth betrayal was required (and includes the larger feelings of collective betrayal) - This was all in order though, for a New Becoming to truly advance - I now fully understand that people mistake kindness for weakness, my sense of freedom is seen as a lack of awareness; but I recognize dysfunctional behaviour and transmute the very worst of feelings into absolute peace and understanding without fear of losing anything or anyone meant to be in my life. I am not afraid of pain, nor death, nor am I afraid of living to the fullest. 

 

I know more people, controlled by their negativity, will continue to come after me, try to push me around and talk sh!t even though I mind my own business and don't bother anyone, they will still try to compete in some rivalry they made up because my certitude flies in the face of their misgivings. There is no fear left to vanquish, because fear doesn’t require vanquishing - we must have the courage to walk hand-in-hand with unfathomable fears, counting blessings along the way, with no proof of reasoning or surety of the outcome, or the proverbial Why. Whether anyone believes it or not, spiritual warfare is happening, reflected in every area of life, individually and collectively, internally and externally. It’s time to combat this ‘good’ and ‘evil’ dichotomy out in the open - not with violence, hatred, false judgements, guns, tanks or alien ships, but with emotional frequencies of the highest order. This is not a Win/Lose scenario, it’s the phenomenal integration of Darkness and Light - the Ultimate Paradox - and the cognitive dissonance that constantly exists with that is mind blowing. I’ve spent (a) lifetime(s) mastering the art of this Game; so, thanks for playing, demons, thank you for speeding up the process of Transformation… it was getting quite boring around here. 

 

Now, please excuse me while I get out of my own way. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.