Day 210 - The Misery Myth

Misery is not a badge of 'I have it worse than you, so you can't possibly understand how hard it is.'

I've been noticing lately that some people think I'm 'lucky', probably born with a silver spoon or had an easy life to get to where I am. It's pretty obvious when I say something that triggers some sort of jealousy or envy, then excuses come out as to all the reasons why someone can't be happy with what they have -- 'If only I could get rid of _____, I'd be better', 'I need ______in order to be happy' - Maybe without pain, a story has no meaning, maybe then it's boring and maybe that's even worse, a different kind of pain altogether, but it's still misery.

It seems that the connection to joy, in the eyes of many, is from privilege or fortune, and if I had had a rough go then I'd be just as miserable as other folks struggling to just be in this world with its greed and anger and anguish and horrible things. I do understand the privilege of being born as an able-bodied white person with parents who loved me and supported everything I wanted to do, even when they did not like it - It is a genuine blessing that I have always appreciated and honour. Mind you, as in all families, there were rough patches.

However, I do know how attached I was to pain and feeling that there was no way out of it, except there was. That's the hard part, freeing ourselves from the shackles of deep sorrow, figuring out how to not be a miserable so-n-so on the inside, and sometimes on the outside. I used writing and music to deal with existential dread and relationship woes, which then became like little badges of grief where I could commiserate with others - We're all in this shit together!

Ticking off the hallmarks of pain: abuse, homelessness, poverty, mental/emotional health issues, chronic physical disease and entire loss of a family home in one last blaze of grievous glory - I had had enough. It was then, at 43 years old, I decided I no longer would allow the old narrative of suffering dictate who I was going to become. I stopped wallowing and started from scratch, consciously appreciating every single thing in life. As soon as my mind would start nagging about some crap, I'd cut it off.

Most of my friends and family have always seen me as happy-go-lucky, because that's what I show, and frankly it's part of my personality no matter what life throws LOL - but many were confused as to my songs, so sad, so intense - Why can't you write happy songs? Because I clung to my internal misery as a habitual story to tell. Because everyone can relate. Because if I'm happy, I don't need an outlet to transmute it. Because otherwise, booorrring. Those are excuses, they are limiting beliefs, somehow releasing them would disconnect me from others. The fact is, as I've embarked on a path of genuine gratitude, many fortunate meetings and conversations and circumstances have occurred - it has actually connected me more to others, in a sincere and open way.

So, when people assume that my goal of becoming, of transforming into a wholly joyful human being is because I'm lucky, I agree... "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." (Seneca). I want to crush the notion that success and happiness comes out of hard times - even though it can, that doesn't mean it has to. I also want to crush the notion that success and happiness comes from luck borne out of birth circumstance or external sources - even though it can, there is much work to do to actually achieve it.





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