Day 273 - Fighting for Surrender

“I am learning to live between effort and surrender. I do my best and hope for what I want but do not resist the direction of the wind.” Anonymous

 The problem with words is that they can have various meanings, and then when a sentence is put together, the message can branch out in different ways. I try to use sentences succinctly when direct information is being communicated, yet there's the creative side that likes to meander with meaning, where phrasing is just as important as the essences being conveyed. This is why songwriting and poetry are beautiful ways of expressing multiple ideas in simple formats.

The title "Fighting for Surrender" is one of those paradoxical word-plays. Obviously, I'm not talking about picking up a sword and battling for the ability to raise a white flag in defeat. I'm talking about the internal conflict between 'action/reaction' and 'acquiescence' - that struggle back and forth with taking life by the horns and allowing life to flow.

When I was younger, it was all about effort and creating outcomes. Looking back, I see the outcomes not as I originally intended but as consequences, sometimes good, sometimes not so good, and sometimes better than expected. Those moments where I truly surrendered were times when I did not have the strength to carry out any more plans and gave up trying - usually those moments created space for me to gain back strength to carry on and make more plans... and further consequences from those decisions.

I'm at a place where people depend on me and there's not much room for decision-making as an individual - This in itself is a consequence of all the choices I've made up until now. So it stands that I am forced into surrendering, and all I can do is assess what that means. I admire people who understand surrendering without being forced into it.

Surrender in this context is not 'giving up' or 'losing willpower', it has brought about a new type of strength that I did not have the chance to feel in the past. It transcends endeavouring to build more or make things or create stuff; I've gained an acceptance and fiercely calm way of being with life as it is. I think the only way I could have gotten here is by living long enough to actually recognize it.

On the other hand, it is difficult not to be proactive, while at the same time continually being responsible for all the things I've already created. I wrestle with my mind and its habitual 'doing things'. Who exactly is wrestling with my mind?? The "I" is there whether my mind thinks about it or not. The "I" is where surrender lies. But, habits are hard to break, and the inner turmoil between doing and being rages on. At least now I watch myself without the need to act - catch myself before falling into old patterns - and allow myself the space to enjoy creation as it still unfolds around me: The consequence of being.



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